Beach bound, baby!

The boy and I are heading out on our first solo adventure. I will post updates and pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Our failed adoption

Well Helloooooooo there. (waving from across the room) Yes, it has been a while. (walking closer) You got a few minutes? Lets talk. Want some coffee? Tea? Bourbon? Have a seat.

It would be ideal if I could just skip past the drama of the last 6 months, but its probably not a good idea. So, here goes...

December 13, 2008 (yes..2008 OMG its been a long time since I've written here)

Anyway, Dec. 13th I got an email from a social worker at an adoption agency that said, "call me about a birthmom." UH..WHAT? Yeah ok. So, there is this woman, expecting a baby, that wants to make an adoption plan. Are you interested? Ok...freaking out..blah blah blah. Insert details about the mom and her situation...details about the fees etc. We matched , we paid, we met, set up an apartment, took her to doctor appointments, to the laundromat, bought her groceries, saw the ultrasound pictures...got emotionally involved...ugh. This mom had three other girls that she was not parenting. She also said that she had an upcoming courtdate... a sentancing hearing, and that she knew for sure she was going to jail for drug charges. It seemed like this placement was going to happen.

After DAILY communications via text message and weekly face to face meetings with this woman, I developed a connection with her.

Fast forward 4 months.

If I didn't have witnesses I wouldn't believe it myself...but I had an intuition. Saturday April 4th I texted her, "Are you having contractions? I can't explain it but I have this weird feeling." She texted back, "Nah".

We had a plan to take her out to dinner for her birthday that next Monday. I texted her confirming dinner that night and she made some excuse for why she couldn't make it. (which was really bizarre because she was so excited about it...talked about it daily for a week). I let it go.

Tuesday she called me to just chat (I remember she said her back was hurting and I went to school that day thinking ... contractions?).

Wednesday I didn't hear from her at all..which was VERY uncharacteristic. I was seeing clients at work and got another one of those weird feelings. So I got online to see if she was incarcerated. I am not making this up..I swear! So... I am clicking through the Department of Corrections website and there was her god damn picture. She had turned herself in on an open warrant and was in jail.

So I am panicking..she's pregnant, in jail, what about the adoption plan..how will that work out? So I call the social worker, and the attorney and my husband and my mother and I have to see another client in 45 seconds. I got a call back from the attorney later in the afternoon. She contacted the jail, confirmed she was there and set up visitation for the following morning.

So, Thursday rolls around and I am sitting at my husbands desk and my phone rings. Its the attorney. Now this woman is what I call, straight up TCB (takin' care of business) and I was used to her firm, serious tone. Her voice was... different...softer. She said, "Kecia, she had the baby Saturday the 4th." (today was Thursday the 9th).

It was like one of those sucking vortex movie moments, where everything goes backward and all the pieces go together.

I TEXTED HER ON SATURDAY APRIL 4th AND ASKED IF SHE WAS HAVING CONTRACTIONS!

If she had the baby ...where was she? What happened? The attorney went on to explain that she had placed the baby with a relative. She said that the birthmom wanted me to come to the jail so she could talk to me. I was reluctant to agree...I didn't want to go all the way the hell down there just to be told I am not going to ever meet this baby. (who I had named and created a space in my home and in my heart for... who my son asked about and prayed for daily) But ...I agreed to do it. I posted on facebook about that decision and will insert that here:
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"Ok. Here's the deal (as of now)

Attorney went to the jail Thursday am and met with birthmom. Birthmom HAD THE BABY SATURDAY and gave the baby to the aunt to take care of when she turned herself in to the sheriff Tuesday on her open warrants. Bmom FTA on a sentencing hearing in February. She will be in for 2.5 years on old possesion/distribution charges (from 2007..whatever). SOOOOOOOOOOOO

During their conversation birthmom said that she was confused and didn't know what to do. She said she knew that i would be upset and she knew that I could take better care of the baby..but now she doesn't know how to get the baby away from the aunt. She asked the attorney if I would come down there to see her. I said I am not coming all the way down there to see her to tell me she isn't giving me the baby..that would be too hard. Attorney shared that with her. Attorney hung up with me. Attorney called me back on her carride home. Said she seemed humble and genuinely remorseful. She said she really wanted to talk to me about it. I agreed to go.

Here's what I think will happen based on what I know about her and my recent dealings with her. I think she was visiting with family when she went into labor. They did not know she had an adoption plan...they did not know she had warrants and that she was getting ready to serve a 2+ year sentence. I think they all went to the hospital..got ga ga over the baby. She got caught up in the family love fest. (now lets remember I have been providing for her since December. When she didn't have food or a place to go I was the one who stepped in...her family would not help her). Anyway, I think she turned herself in on her charges..she had to, and didn't know what to do now that the baby was with the aunt. I belive that when I go down there..she is going to say she wants me to have the baby. Then I will be the one who has to deal with getting her from the aunt. This has been a pattern..wanting others to take care of her business.

Anyway, so I am going down to the jail today (Friday) with my attorney and a notary and a witness (all required). I am going to talk to her and if she decides she wants to relinquish to me, we will do it right then. THEN the attorney will file to get an ex parte order and head over to the aunts house with police back-up...then we will have the baby.

I could be totally wrong about this...and she will say no way and I will leave. I do not want her to do anything she doesn't want to do..and that includes leaving the baby with family because she felt pressure to.

The best part about this will be having all this nonsense come to an end. We will survive this...we will move on with our lives. If the baby doesn't end up with us, then I have some processing to do , but I will be a better social worker from having gone through this. I will also have a lot of cute baby shit for sale! Also...we will be done. NO more adoptions. Stick a fork in us.

I look forward to the peace that will come after this is done. It has been a long five months. I have learned about how fiercely I love my husband and son and how I have it in me to endure overwhelming challenges in the name of family. I am proud of myself. I am feeling pretty peaceful.

Thanks for your support. Trust me..I know there is nothing you can say to make this better..easier..less crazy or painful. Don't try. Its ok.
Thanks for being our friends.

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Well, I was totally wrong about what would happen. In the end we learned that she never intented to place with us. Her primary occupation was drug dealing before she learned she was pregnant. She decided to hook up with the adoption agency to get her expenses paid while she was preggers so she didn't have to "deal" and risk getting arrested while pregnant and have to have the baby in jail. Nice, huh?

So here we are August 8th.

Last month... LAST MONTH I deconstructed the nursery. I have stopped scouring myspace (birthmom gave me her myspace address so I could see pics of her other kids) for pictures of this baby. August 4th went by without me thinking that the baby was 4 months old ( I just realized this). Jonas asked last week if we were going to pick up Jayda. It was the first time I said to him, "Honey, Jayda is not going to come live with us. She is going to live with another family, and he heard it." He said, "Ok Mommy". I think it was the first time I really heard it too. And I was ok.

I don't have a big, "It all happens for a reason" speech to give. I have accepted what has happened and we are moving on. We danced around the adoption websites looking for a situation that would fit us. The truth is that we spent all the money we had on this situation and it failed. There is no more money for adoption. That is that.

I do not know if we will try again to add to our family. For now, we have closed the door....but there is still a little light creeping out from underneath.

Thanks for reading.

Coming up for air

My presence in the blogosphere has been lacking.... I am working up the nerve to tell the story of the last few months.

Jonas is thriving, a dream come true, the love of my life.

More to come. Thanks for your patience.

New pics and a video

Jonasisms

Sorry I've been slacking. Totally overwhelmed with my life right now. 9 weeks left of grad school, and this domestic adoption that has been far more difficult than Jonas's adoption ever was. But here are a few gems my little prince has shared in the past few weeks.

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The scene: On the way out of the door to the park.

"Mommy!"

"Yes son"

"I'm gonna take my butt."

"What?"

"I'm gonna take my butt to the park."

"Oh, ok."

"Mommy!"

"Yes son"

"I'm gonna bring my penis too!"

"Good idea son."

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The scene: Lying in bed saying our bedtime prayers

"Dear God" he repeats "Dear God"

"Thank you for my life" he repeats "Thank you for my life"

"Thank you for Daddy....Mommy...friends etc."

"I love you God, amen" he repeats " I love you God, amen"

(a few beats of silence) then he says...

"Dear God, you are very helpful."

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When I realized I was a grown-up

I realized I was a grown up when my husband and I bought our first home. I remember one evening brining groceries in and I stopped him on the front steps and said, "Isn't it weird that we get to live here by ourselves?"

Update on the whole penis thing

Today in the car coming home from daycare:


"Mommy!"

"yes, son"

"Miss Elisha has a ba-giant, not a penis"

"A ba-giant?"

"Yes Mommy, a ba-giant"

"Do you have a ba-giant mommy?"

So, here's where its funny to be me. Do I say, well yes honey, I have a ba-giant. Or do I sound out VA-GI-NA. Honey, mommy has a VA-GI-NA. Here I am cruising down the road, yelling and sounding out VAGINA, VAGINA, not BA-GIANT Honey. Can you say that? VA GI NA... I don't know if I can do it.

"Yes, sweetie. Mommy has a ba-giant"
(As does Miss Elisha by the way).

Do I have a penis?

This morning:

Me..walking past Jonas's room to get his clothes together for the day.

"Mommy!"
"Yes dear..good morning"
"Good Morning Mommy!"
"Come lay down with me Mommy!"
"Ok"

So I go in and snuggle up with him. Ok, first I asked him if he was wet and passed my hand over the sheet...then I got in bed.
We lay there quietly, enjoying the snuggly quiet of the morning. After a few moments...

"Mommy?"
"Yes, son"
"Do I have a penis?"
"Yes, you do have a penis"
"Does daddy have a penis"
"Yes, daddy has a penis"

a pause

"Does Miss Elisha have a penis?"

Ok. here's where it gets funny to be me. Cause I am all... Miss Elisha PROBABLY doesn't have a penis. But if she did that would be ok. (Miss Elisha is his daycare teacher and a hot little blonde number). Now really if she has a penis that would be her private business, so should we really be discussing this anyway? So I ponder if I should say, boys have penises and girls have vagina's? Well, what about those people who have the wrong parts...you know, transgendered folks. Its hard work being me and being so open an accepting. I don't want to give him the impression that it would be wrong for Miss Elisha to have a penis... or to automatically ASSUME she has a vagina.

"I don't think Miss Elisha has a penis honey, maybe you should ask her today at school".

Random Rantings

Christmas morning...

I enter the hallway in front of Jonas's (jonases..jonas'???) room.
I turn to look in the door and I see :

1. diaper on the floor
2. pj pants
3. pj top
4. empty toddler bed
5. one nekked guatemalan boy with a train hat on , lying on the floor wrapped up in a blanket.

Uh...ok.

Someone call for a nekked boy burrito? He was just lying there, sucking his thumb. "good morning mommy". Like... hey, this is our new christmas tradition... naked on the floor sleeping...didn't you get the memo?

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It occurred to me today that I will have a 13 year old and a 16 year old at the same time. Can I please time travel to the future to remind myself to take my anti-depressants?

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I bought my husband a dutch oven for christmas. I think that officially makes me the lamest wife in the universe. (does it make up for it that I bought him some AXE body spray? ) (no?...makes it worse?) Oh well.

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Technically, I am five months pregnant (on paper)...so technically, I can totally have as much ice cream as I want. What? .. It doesn't count? But what if ... oh forget it.

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Would it be wrong for me to.... oh nevermind. If I start the sentance with, "would it be wrong" it probably is.

Uh..I'm listening

So yesterday I dropped J off at "school". When I have time, I sit an hang for a little while. I usually sit on a glider near the door and read books to the snotty nosed kids..they are for some reason the only ones who are drawn to me. Anyhoo, this time, my favorite of the little girls came up to me with a book about a kitty. (I adore this child, she is so cute and has this little tiny voice...agh) Anyway, I am sitting there reading...she is sitting on my leg. She turned to look at me, took her hand and stroked my face and said, " You are a beautiful princess."

OH. MY. GAWD.

Is that what little girls are like?

I thought I was going to dissolve like one of those alka-seltzer tablets right there in that glider.

I have been having a lot of anxiety about raising a girl. One of my friends who has three kiddos said. " I have two boys, and they are awesome. But having a girl.. its indescribable."

I guess we'll see!

Do they make light up shoes for grown-ups?

Seriously, this is the cutest picture ever! My MIL sent

Jonas these scrubs today. Now I just need to buy G

some light-up Thomas the Tank Engine shoes!

And in other news, I meet with the adoption attorney tomorrow morning at 9:30.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Exciting news

So..uh. We are having a baby! Sort of. We have been matched with a birthmother who is carrying a girl and she is due in April. OH MY GOODNESS.

Soooooo, as we all know, it takes a village to raise a child. It also (as we know too well), takes a village to afford an adoption.

I have added a paypal button to the sidebar of this blog. Seriously, I know you don't have any money...neither do we. But if you find some change in your cushions, consider sending it our way. It will go to a great cause! : 0 )

Blessings,
Kecia


PS. I have video of Jonas saying, "I wanna be a big brudder", but I thought it was tooooo Sally Struthers begging for money, so I will just leave that up to your imagination!


Ok...I'm gonna go throw up now...or eat some pickles and ice cream...holy crap!

My heart hurts and my tummy feels sick.

Ok, so this is a horrible, horrible story. This family was just a month away from bringing their beautiful child home from Guatemala. The child and her foster family were murdered during a home invasion. No details are available at this time. Please read below to help support this family.

My God. This is unthinkable. Hug your children tight tonight.




The Azhderian Family still owe alot from the adoption of Josi. They just sent the last payment for Josi a few weeks ago of $12,800. This horrible tradgedy should never have to happen to any family and then have to end up paying for an adoption when their child will never come home to them.If you are like me and want to do something for this sweet family and do not know what to do, here is a wonderful way to honor precious Josi. They have a chip in button on their blog you can donate any amount to in Josi's name. I am praying that God will help them not have to worry about the financial end of this with all that they are going through right now.If you want to help me with the memorial fund for Josi please post this on your blog, spread the word to all your adoption friends, or you can send them to my blog. I think together we all can show our love to Azhderian family in their time of crisis. Chip in button is on their blog or click it below. I know money is tight but please help if you can.

Sounds of the season

Happy Thanksgiving

Random thoughts whilst I avoid paper writing.

The setting: Kitchen, breakfast time
Jonas was sitting in his booster chair eating breakfast. G and I were rushing around packing lunches, making our own breakfasts and we both ended up in the same cabinet. We were joking around fighting over a protein bar...totally not thinking about how we sounded.

G: "Hey, I want that"
me: "No, its mine, I want it."
G: "mine, mine"
me: "gimme gimme"
Jonas: "HEY GUYS! You have to take turns, you have to share!"
G and I: hysterical snot out of nose laughter.
Jonas: "See, that's better."

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The setting: Bedtime, Jonas's room
(not sure if I wrote about this or not)

Every night before bed, we read J stories. Regardless of which stories we read, we have to read Sam I Am. We have been doing this for about a year now.

me: "Ready for Sam I Am"?
Jonas: (head nod, thumb in mouth)
me: "I am Sam"
me: "Sam I Am"
Jonas: Gently touching my arm, "Let me try mommy, let me try."
Jonas: "that sam I am, that sam I am. I do not like that sam I am".

He went on like that for a page and a half.

me: "Would you like ...."
Jonas: Interrupting. " No mommy, let me try it. I want to read it."

and so it went. He got all the way to "would you like it in the rain" and the sleepy's took over.
One of the cutest moments ever!

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The setting: Kitchen

Jonas places the red mesh hamper thingy over his head.

Jonas: "To infinity and beyond*" and runs around the kitchen with his "wings" out.
*Toy Story reference for those that are Disney impaired
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Ok. back to work. Two more weeks of the semester, then I have a whole month off! wooo hooo

Canadians are pushy!

Please be patient...last three weeks of the semester..I am OVER LOADED. Here are some pictures and a video for a very pushy canadian woman I know! Enjoy!

This video contains sugar free footage...believe it or not.

For the doubters

Pumpkin fever

Hola. So today we went to this really cool (ha) pumpkin festival. There were cannons shooting pumpkins, performing pigs, 150 craft booths (I didn't look at a single one), many food options (which almost killed me as I am on day 7 of the South Beach Effin Diet), pony rides....you get the picture.

Well, it was a warm, WARM day here in Florida. Jonas was fairly perky when we got there. But after awhile he didn't want to do anything but sit in the stroller. Usually when I ask him to smile for pictures he is a real ham, but he just looked sad (see new header picture). So we decided that he was tired,and we left. When we got home, he felt really warm to me. I took his temp and it was 102.4. OMG. So I basically drug my poor child through the pumpkin festival with a temp and it was already hot outside. I made sure he drank lots of fluids, and gave him some motrin. About an hour later he was totally back to normal. Sigh.

I have no idea why we are so obsessed with him yelling, "YEE HAW", but here's a video from the pony riding portion of the day. (This was one of the first things we did, I think he was feeling pretty good here.)

Just cuz

Have a happy Friday!