Well Helloooooooo there. (waving from across the room) Yes, it has been a while. (walking closer) You got a few minutes? Lets talk. Want some coffee? Tea? Bourbon? Have a seat.
It would be ideal if I could just skip past the drama of the last 6 months, but its probably not a good idea. So, here goes...
December 13, 2008 (yes..2008 OMG its been a long time since I've written here)
Anyway, Dec. 13th I got an email from a social worker at an adoption agency that said, "call me about a birthmom." UH..WHAT? Yeah ok. So, there is this woman, expecting a baby, that wants to make an adoption plan. Are you interested? Ok...freaking out..blah blah blah. Insert details about the mom and her situation...details about the fees etc. We matched , we paid, we met, set up an apartment, took her to doctor appointments, to the laundromat, bought her groceries, saw the ultrasound pictures...got emotionally involved...ugh. This mom had three other girls that she was not parenting. She also said that she had an upcoming courtdate... a sentancing hearing, and that she knew for sure she was going to jail for drug charges. It seemed like this placement was going to happen.
After DAILY communications via text message and weekly face to face meetings with this woman, I developed a connection with her.
Fast forward 4 months.
If I didn't have witnesses I wouldn't believe it myself...but I had an intuition. Saturday April 4th I texted her, "Are you having contractions? I can't explain it but I have this weird feeling." She texted back, "Nah".
We had a plan to take her out to dinner for her birthday that next Monday. I texted her confirming dinner that night and she made some excuse for why she couldn't make it. (which was really bizarre because she was so excited about it...talked about it daily for a week). I let it go.
Tuesday she called me to just chat (I remember she said her back was hurting and I went to school that day thinking ... contractions?).
Wednesday I didn't hear from her at all..which was VERY uncharacteristic. I was seeing clients at work and got another one of those weird feelings. So I got online to see if she was incarcerated. I am not making this up..I swear! So... I am clicking through the Department of Corrections website and there was her god damn picture. She had turned herself in on an open warrant and was in jail.
So I am panicking..she's pregnant, in jail, what about the adoption plan..how will that work out? So I call the social worker, and the attorney and my husband and my mother and I have to see another client in 45 seconds. I got a call back from the attorney later in the afternoon. She contacted the jail, confirmed she was there and set up visitation for the following morning.
So, Thursday rolls around and I am sitting at my husbands desk and my phone rings. Its the attorney. Now this woman is what I call, straight up TCB (takin' care of business) and I was used to her firm, serious tone. Her voice was... different...softer. She said, "Kecia, she had the baby Saturday the 4th." (today was Thursday the 9th).
It was like one of those sucking vortex movie moments, where everything goes backward and all the pieces go together.
I TEXTED HER ON SATURDAY APRIL 4th AND ASKED IF SHE WAS HAVING CONTRACTIONS!
If she had the baby ...where was she? What happened? The attorney went on to explain that she had placed the baby with a relative. She said that the birthmom wanted me to come to the jail so she could talk to me. I was reluctant to agree...I didn't want to go all the way the hell down there just to be told I am not going to ever meet this baby. (who I had named and created a space in my home and in my heart for... who my son asked about and prayed for daily) But ...I agreed to do it. I posted on facebook about that decision and will insert that here:
"Ok. Here's the deal (as of now)
Attorney went to the jail Thursday am and met with birthmom. Birthmom HAD THE BABY SATURDAY and gave the baby to the aunt to take care of when she turned herself in to the sheriff Tuesday on her open warrants. Bmom FTA on a sentencing hearing in February. She will be in for 2.5 years on old possesion/distribution charges (from 2007..whatever). SOOOOOOOOOOOO
During their conversation birthmom said that she was confused and didn't know what to do. She said she knew that i would be upset and she knew that I could take better care of the baby..but now she doesn't know how to get the baby away from the aunt. She asked the attorney if I would come down there to see her. I said I am not coming all the way down there to see her to tell me she isn't giving me the baby..that would be too hard. Attorney shared that with her. Attorney hung up with me. Attorney called me back on her carride home. Said she seemed humble and genuinely remorseful. She said she really wanted to talk to me about it. I agreed to go.
Here's what I think will happen based on what I know about her and my recent dealings with her. I think she was visiting with family when she went into labor. They did not know she had an adoption plan...they did not know she had warrants and that she was getting ready to serve a 2+ year sentence. I think they all went to the hospital..got ga ga over the baby. She got caught up in the family love fest. (now lets remember I have been providing for her since December. When she didn't have food or a place to go I was the one who stepped in...her family would not help her). Anyway, I think she turned herself in on her charges..she had to, and didn't know what to do now that the baby was with the aunt. I belive that when I go down there..she is going to say she wants me to have the baby. Then I will be the one who has to deal with getting her from the aunt. This has been a pattern..wanting others to take care of her business.
Anyway, so I am going down to the jail today (Friday) with my attorney and a notary and a witness (all required). I am going to talk to her and if she decides she wants to relinquish to me, we will do it right then. THEN the attorney will file to get an ex parte order and head over to the aunts house with police back-up...then we will have the baby.
I could be totally wrong about this...and she will say no way and I will leave. I do not want her to do anything she doesn't want to do..and that includes leaving the baby with family because she felt pressure to.
The best part about this will be having all this nonsense come to an end. We will survive this...we will move on with our lives. If the baby doesn't end up with us, then I have some processing to do , but I will be a better social worker from having gone through this. I will also have a lot of cute baby shit for sale! Also...we will be done. NO more adoptions. Stick a fork in us.
I look forward to the peace that will come after this is done. It has been a long five months. I have learned about how fiercely I love my husband and son and how I have it in me to endure overwhelming challenges in the name of family. I am proud of myself. I am feeling pretty peaceful.
Thanks for your support. Trust me..I know there is nothing you can say to make this better..easier..less crazy or painful. Don't try. Its ok.
Thanks for being our friends.
Well, I was totally wrong about what would happen. In the end we learned that she never intented to place with us. Her primary occupation was drug dealing before she learned she was pregnant. She decided to hook up with the adoption agency to get her expenses paid while she was preggers so she didn't have to "deal" and risk getting arrested while pregnant and have to have the baby in jail. Nice, huh?
So here we are August 8th.
Last month... LAST MONTH I deconstructed the nursery. I have stopped scouring myspace (birthmom gave me her myspace address so I could see pics of her other kids) for pictures of this baby. August 4th went by without me thinking that the baby was 4 months old ( I just realized this). Jonas asked last week if we were going to pick up Jayda. It was the first time I said to him, "Honey, Jayda is not going to come live with us. She is going to live with another family, and he heard it." He said, "Ok Mommy". I think it was the first time I really heard it too. And I was ok.
I don't have a big, "It all happens for a reason" speech to give. I have accepted what has happened and we are moving on. We danced around the adoption websites looking for a situation that would fit us. The truth is that we spent all the money we had on this situation and it failed. There is no more money for adoption. That is that.
I do not know if we will try again to add to our family. For now, we have closed the door....but there is still a little light creeping out from underneath.
Thanks for reading.