Saturday, October 18, 2008

Mommy Magic

For several months now, G and Jonas have been going to inflate world ( we called it bouncey) for an evening of bouncey awesomeness every Friday night. Friday night I work at my internship till about 7pm and then I go home to unwind. This particular night I couldn't get my boys out of my head. So, when I wrapped things up with my last client, I loaded up my stuff and headed out to bouncey. I felt this strange sense of urgency to get there.

I parked next to G's truck and I walked, and then ran into the building. I entered the first room and turned right and ran right into my guys. Geoffrey was holding Jonas...G looked at me and said, "It's bad". I then noticed that Jonas was sobbing. I moved behind G so I could see J's face and it was bleeding. As soon as he saw me he held out his arms. I grabbed him and we walked out of the circus like space into the calm of the front room. My boy was sobbing, blood trickling down his lip, onto his chin. I asked for a wet paper towel. When J gets upset, he does this, head twisting thing that really sucks to watch. He is so present in his fear and saddness. I asked the woman behind the counter if she had any bubbles..I knew I needed for him to slow down his breathing. No bubbles. I pulled my hair out of my headband and had him blow my bangs out of my face. We did that for a few minutes and he calmed down. I knew I just needed to hold him till it passed. With tears still streaming down his face, he looked at me and said, "I'm happy Mommy."

I don't know what he meant. He was not scared anymore, he didn't want me to be scared. But what he said to me was this:

I got hurt and my mommy magically appeared. I am happy mommy...that you were here when I needed you.

Now, I know as well as you do that Geoffrey would have handled all of this just perfectly without me there. But that I got to be there...that I was led there...


I had a dream a few nights ago where Jonas and I were in a body of water. I saw that a shark was coming. I threw Jonas away from the shark and sucessfully averted any harm. Once I got to where he was and was holding him close, someone came by and cut him with a sharks tooth on purpose. I was distraught, so much so that it woke me. I sat up in the bed and began to cry. What is the lesson? I can do everything in my power to keep this child safe, but sometimes, bad things are just going to happen. I can be there to help heal the wounds.

I can only imagine that life will be full for this child. I cannot spend too much time thinking about all the ways to prevent him from experiencing pain. For me, pain was just one part of the journey to who I am now. Denying him the experience of deep saddness and moving through struggles would be a crime.

I just hope he remembers that when he is scared and hurt, that I will always be here to hold him till it passes.

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